Ways to Help Children Distinguish Between Right and Wrong
“My 5 year old has just started school. Before school she was always polite, caring, helpful. Since going to school, while she still appears to be so with her teachers (so they say), she now really pushes the boundaries at home. Some kids at school have taught her to swear, talk back, talk about sex in very broad terms. She talks back and while fundamentally she is still a wonderful and very smart little girl, her smarts have turned into “smarty-pants”.
I am not sure how I should teach her to make the right choices about right vs. wrong. She has already skipped school at the urging of her 5 year old friend. How can I help her when she is out of my supervision at school? How do I instruct to make the right decision on her own?
Hmmm, how indeed? Let’s look at the underlying principles.
Kids in general try hard to do well in life. Their behaviors reflect what they think will bring them a successful result. The problem is that their idea of a successful result might not be the best idea. Sometimes they want the basics like hunger, warmth, and food. Or they might strive to have their parent’s approval and love. Or they might be out to just have a good time.
They will demonstrate the behavior they believe will get them the need they have at that time.
They will discover that their behaviors don’t always end in success. They learn from this and try other behaviors until they find the ones that yield the intended result. When deciding what behavior to have we rely on experience, direction for our parents, and our skills and abilities. We create a group of behaviors that we hope will serve our needs effectively.
Once we find behaviors that seem to pay off well for us, then we tend to stick with them. The more we repeat them, and the more often they work, the more firmly they will be entrenched as our default behavior.
Back to your 5 year old daughter. Her behavior signals that she is in the process of trial and error. She is in a new situation at school and this has expanded her world. She is not sure how to react and is excited and nervous at the same time. She is testing different behaviors to determine which behaviors will yield a successful result.
Your daughter will most likely try a range of behaviors. Many of which will not occur ever again as they didn’t work. Some behaviors will become a part of her usual behavior. Which behaviors will your daughter stick to? It really depends on the results of each experience. She is at an age where having your approval and love is very important to her. She needs to see your reaction to her behaviors. Outside reactions from others also play a role. For example, punishments and rewards can be a big influence on her behavior. She will seek the approval of you, her teachers, and her friends.
You have a significant affect on her as her parent. She young so she will listen to you. When she is a teenager things will change. Your influence can show in two ways.
1. Your emotional reaction to her behaviors. Do you approve or disapprove of her behaviors?
2. Your manipulation of her environment. You have the power to choose her school, neighbors, and people she will be in contact with. You are the one who can give her punishments and rewards.
Putting all this together, and taking a strategic overview, these are the types of questions you would want to be asking yourself:
Does this look like it is just an experimental phase that will almost certainly pass? If so, then don’t get too stressed about it all – enjoy the phase of watching your kids growing up and exploring the world. (Hey, I remember sneaking out from home at about 7 to go and play in the school playground, in the dark, at about 9pm. I even put pillows in my bed to deceive my parents. And I turned out okay … I think…)
Bear in mind that if you over-react to things like her swearing that may, in itself, actually make the behavior seems MORE exciting rather than less. Generally, “chilling out” is the better way to go.
If you think that her bad behavior is escalating too much then you need to do something to thwart it.
How do you know which it is? That calls for judgment. Look at your own parenting first – are you dong the very best you can? Are you providing good role models? Yours will be the greatest influence in her life.
Check out the school and your neighborhood. How have the children who were raised in this neighborhood do when they grew up? Do they become productive adults or do most of the kids spend their days being in trouble for most of their teenage years?
Take the time to talk with parents and teachers at school. Each school has a culture and perhaps your daughter is trying to fit into this culture. How concerned are the teachers? Does the behavior of most kids at the school improve as they grow up out their phases?
You cannot control every factor in their lives. You cannot guarantee that they will learn right from wrong. But you can increase the chances. And, as ever, you do that by being as good, and strategic, a parent as you can.
Parenting Tips Toddlers Don’t stress about your children’s bad behavior problems any more. Find the right techniques and strategies to help you have a happy, peaceful household. Parenting Tips For New Parents
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